1. |
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I left home on a Christmas Day
Couldn’t say what I wanted to
I returned on a Boxing Day
Couldn’t do what I wanted to
I spent my time with action man
Fill my exhaust with cranberry sauce
I went to sleep on New Year’s Eve
Woke up from a terrible dream
I thought a year had gone
It was Christmas Day again
I spent my time with action man
Fill my exhaust with cranberry sauce
Christmas crackhead
Fallen tree
Lights are broken
Cranberry
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2. |
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I’ll have a hand me down Christmas, Presents neath the tree...
Last year it fit you...
This year it fits me.
It doesn’t really matter,
If anything is new...
As long as I am here...
Spending Christmastime with you!
A sweater for Lucinda,
The elbows patched and sewn, A baby doll for Linda,
It was Annie’s, but she’s grown. A pair of boots for Jonny,
Although their old and worn, And Bonnie wants a picture book, Who’s pages aren’t so torn.
Even though times are tough, And there’s no sign of change, We always seem to have enough, With love and faith in spades.
So pa’s old tools for Tommy, He’ll put them to good use.
And ma made dolls for the little ones, From our old clothes it’s true. And uncle Joe’s old winter coat, Will make a cozy bed,
For little baby Willie, to lay his sleepy head.
There’s someone on the corner,
Begging us for help,
We give him what we can,
Even though it’s not enough.
Every day, throughout the year,
We show our fellow man,
That whether we are rich or poor, We lend a helping hand.
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3. |
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They say Jesus had 12 disciplines. You know the Human body has 12 pair of ribs.
If Christmas has 12 days, why the hell is the tree up in July?
Well, on the 11 th day, isn’t that veteran’s day? Maybe, singles day in China
Pocky day in Japan, or was it the Feast of Saints?
On the 10 th day of Christmas, I pulled a Tarot card. it was the Wheel of Fortune
I’d rather have that, then be a Capricorn
Chorus
Welcome to my Holiday Inn, we have Narcan in the kitchen, won’t you come on in.
It’s a safe space to get on down. We have Peaches in the corner gonna pass em around.
On the 9 th day I saw the ladies dancing. I have 9 lives like a cat...
Swinging on that pole, they took all my dough
They say Jesus had an 8 ball on the 8 th day of Christmas. Santa’s Elves were high on DMT
Well, that explains why all those toys fall apart.
I know 7 swans, because I married one. But it ain’t no more.
I’m just gonna sit here on New Year’s Eve and be a bore.
Chorus
On the 6 th day, God made man. Come along brother, tell that story again…
I’d rather be on Venus, where the real truth lies.
I have 5 rings, well they ain’t that golden. Till that little doggie got up and stole them
Well, I’m gonna, spread his name around.
You’ve called me a Crow; you’ve called me a Badger. The 4 th day is considered the feast of holy innocents
Hard to comprehend for that Atheist in me…
Chorus
3 French Hens from the trailer down the road, I think I hit em with my car
I need to go back with some hot sauce, I don’t think they got far
Only 2 more days before this season is over, I can’t take no more
Is a Christmas shit considered a Holy Crap?
That partridge was barking up my tree, till I shot it with my gun
There’s no more days, it’s all been done
Chorus
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4. |
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Ihr werdet’s nicht glauben, was ich Euch jetzt erzähle –
Als neulich wir beide im Wald warn‘ spazieren
Die Sonne schien helle,
die Vögel gar fröhlich -
Als plötzlich ein Grummeln kam aus dem Gebüsch
wir rannten und rannten,
so schnell wie wir konnten
: über Spitz und Stein und Baum und Bein :
…. Aber ach, vergeblich –
Der gierige Wolf, mit seinem unglaublich großen Maul,
verschlang meinen Liebsten
mit Haut und mit Haar.
Der verfressene Wolf hatte nun Magenprobleme.
Und mein Liebster, gar nicht schüchtern,
trotz misslicher Lage
schlitzt auf des Wolf’s Magen
mit seinem Pilzmesser –
Da steht er nun vor mir, ganz glücklich und froh –
Bedeckt war er gänzlich mit Magenschleim ….
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5. |
Hazlo Girar - Holy Socks
02:56
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There were holes in all the stockings
And the candy all fell out
Woke up Christmas morning to the dog
Motionless on the couch
Forgot to lock the door
On our way out to the vet
When we got back that night
there wasn’t a single present left
We all got to lie about
The contents of our gifts
Packs of cigarettes turned to
Scrolls of hieroglyphs
Tiny whisky bottles
Became the keys to a new car
A brick of dark chocolate
To a heavy golden bar
The dog, he didn’t make it
We buried him in the back,
The neighbors were smoking cigarettes
And drinking from a flask
Their dog ate the chocolate
While we all buried spot
They left in a hurry,
We snuck in,
Cut holes in all their socks
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6. |
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The egg nog has curdled,
I think I’m gonna be sick
Tinsel hangs sloppy & heavy
There’s no other way to describe it
My view is hazy
I’m a lazy, a lazy St. Nick
It may sound crazy
But I’ve grown careless, cautious & thick
Chorus: I could lie and tell you reasons
I could blame it on the season
I’m too tired, tired, tired
I’ve run out of gusto and
Emptied my bag of tricks
Attempt to make sense
Of who’s been naughty, who’s on the nice list
I’d rather watch wax drip
From a fucking candlestick
A crisis of conscience
For the Christmas, Christmas heretic
Can I just mail it in
Wrap it in foil, offer to goldbrick?!
My heart is not in this
It is shrinking double, double quick
Heavens to Mergatroid
To Betsy, oh fiddlesticks
It has fallen out of my chest
And on to a tee for a placekick
My heart’s not in this
My heart’s not in this
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7. |
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Intro
This is not a cheerful holiday song… You wouldn’t hear this on the store PA...
Verse 1
Christmas is that time of year
Jews and Muslims know to fear
Violence only escalates
Christians celebrate their hate
Chorus
Let’s ruin Christmas
Holiday Lies
Let’s ruin Christmas
For everyone
Verse 2
Profit margins feed on lies
Tell the kids a stranger has eyes
That see all they do
While you claim to teach the truth
Chorus 2x
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8. |
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It’s an intergalactic allegory to represent the nativity story
Space may be the final frontier but good news: Santa still delivers out here
Until his spaceship crash-lands on a planet inhabited by godless alien reindeer
If only someone would hear his distress call
Luckily there’s a starship nearby named the U.S.S. Enterprise
They send a landing party over with tricorders and also phasers
But oh no! What’s that? They’ve all been captured
Every single principal actor
There’s only one man left to save them all…
It’s Mr. Leslie’s Star Trek Christmas Spectacular
Everybody’s favorite Star Trek Character
Saving the day and also some space babes
Beam me up, Santa Claus
It’s Mr. Leslie’s Star Trek Christmas Spectacular
Featuring a soundtrack largely on the theremin
You’d think they’d spend their budget better
By hiring bigger stars
Turns out Santa has two daughters, barely clothed and played by models
They help Mr. Leslie rescue their dad and the rest of his crew
Almost instantly Leslie’s shirt gets ripped off, somewhere Kirk is likely jealous
But he’s not featured in the movie at all
It’s Mr. Leslie’s Star Trek Christmas Spectacular
Everybody’s favorite Star Trek Character
Saving the day and also some space babes
Beam me up, Santa Claus
It’s Mr. Leslie’s Star Trek Christmas Spectacular
But I’ll watch it any season of the year
It plays great on every occasion and it’s only an hour long
[Space solo]
It’s Mr. Leslie’s Star Trek Christmas Spectacular
The only episode they never remastered
But who cares about the quality if it’s not real at all? (I made it up)
It’s Mr. Leslie’s Star Trek Christmas Spectacular
Everybody’s favorite Star Trek Character
Saving the day and also some space babes
Beam me up, Santa Claus
It’s Mr. Leslie’s Star Trek Christmas Spectacular
La da da da (etc)
It’s Mr. Leslie’s Star Trek Christmas Spectacular
Everybody’s favorite Star Trek Character
Saving the day and also some space babes
Beam me up, Santa Claus
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9. |
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10. |
The Mary Veils - No Tree
04:19
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There is no tree in this house
A creature’s stirring
It isn’t a mouse
The only present is in the past
A certain future doesn’t last
There’s no love and there’s no lights
Always struggle, constant fights
Bills are piled and way past due
Don’t know what we’re gonna do
It’s so hard to keep up hope
When the answer’s always nope
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11. |
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Christmas Eve dinner; raise a glass saints and sinners
With peace on earth and good will toward men
Herald angels are singing and sleigh bells are ringing
Within earshot of those we’ve forgotten
And here’s to the ones left out of the inn on old Christmas Eve
Loretta’s been sobbing; first Christmas without Bobby
Under the aluminum tree and the lights
She tucks her boys in; and curses the poison
That’s left her alone here tonight
And here’s to the ones left out of the inn on old Christmas Eve
Frances lies awake; been good for goodness sake
Thinking of sugar plum fairies and dew drops and ginger
But the moneys been wrung out; folks downstairs strung out
Santa’s on his own; they can’t even lift but a finger.
And here’s to the ones left out of the inn on old Christmas Eve
Jeremiah’s in the rain, dear; his coat stained with stale beer
His aftershave smells like Lysol because it is
He’s fallen on hard times; resorted to small crime
The carols lift spirits, but not his
And here’s to the ones left out of the inn on old Christmas Eve
Maria with Jose; a baby is on the way
Pero no hay lugar en la posada
But the torches they follow with hope for tomorrow
Say "Dame tu pobre tu cansada"
And here’s to the ones left out of the inn on old Christmas Eve
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12. |
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"PT Cruisin'"
Happy Holidays I've got some big plans for us
First we'll open all our presents then we'll sneak away and go get drunk
Then it's off to dinner with the family - oh Jesus Christ
But I know a great escape, she stole my heart but I stole this ride
Christmas makes me wanna scream
Crashed her daddy's PT Cruiser straight into a tree.
Rudolph red alarms are blinking
Keeping time with jingle bells
I look over at your nose bleeding
But you're still alive far as I can tell
Merry christmas to me baby
Deck the halls and wrap me up
In your favorite red jacket
Cuz I'm ol' St. Nick in a pair of handcuffs.
Christmas makes me wanna scream
Crashed her daddy's PT Cruiser straight into a tree.
"Milkman"
Milk, milk and cookies
Under the tree, but they're not for me
And all this milk, and all these little cookies
Are they for someone special or for someone mean
This glass of milk
So thick with bubbles and calcium... with Vitamin D
And this plate of cookies fresh from the oven
So much chocolate, I think there's too much chocolate
Four glasses lined along the bar
One for me, the rest for you
You used to come around this time of year
Now I don't know what to do
Christmas eve and I am freaking out again
Mom and Neil beating up the bed
Four glasses - one big meal
And I just want to share it with my dad
Christmas time is nothing without you
Please come pick me up - please come pick me up soon.
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13. |
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I hatched a plan to follow Santa home
I was suspicious every time they said where he was from
They said the northern pole
But at the northern pole
They’ve got ice and snow but let me tell you there isn’t any land
What makes him never die is he Jesus in disguise
And I wondered if he’d lie that he got ruminants to fly
If he were a normal guy he couldn’t live for very long
Would I be naughty or could I be nice
I ordered off of Amazon a tracking cell device
It was cheap and light
And it was out of sight
When I stuffed it into a delicious huckleberry pie
I left it out for him to find he found it with delight
He took to it like a swine and left into the night
Then the signal came online and the chase was on
Get it, break Santa down into his fundamental part
I know who you are
Get it, break down go out and call him out
Let him know you know
I followed Santa as he traveled home
On an app I had installed onto a burner phone
To a 6 foot slot in a volcanic rock
With an elevator that he entered an took into the ground
And I saw his evil grin as he lowered out of sight
And as I drew closer in in the shadows of the night
I read his name above the door
It read SATAN
KING OF GREED ON HIS CHRISTMAS STEED
MAKE SURE YOU NEVER LET IT END
STRAIGHT DOWN BELOW YOUR CHRISTMAS FRIEND
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14. |
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SAN-TSA the Bad Santa took my luggage away
Come December, a holiday master
Rudolph’s got a ticket from your great big castle
Bells chime freely, the Easter bunny clammers
What set off that metal detector?
SAN-TSA the Bad Santa took my luggage away
Mrs. Claus’s gifts swiftly, through a conveyor
The fat man’s eyes on her purple vibrator
Shoeless leprechauns and buckle-less witches
His eyes look sternly to their 4os cauldrons
SAN-TSA the Bad Santa took my luggage away
He’s a Holiday lion
A ring of gold so fine
His sandals slip on his feet
He’s magic treat
Jesus holds the line with his judging eyes
And he disappears for a frisking near
All the holidays hold no hand in play
To the great red suit with the soot filled boots
SAN-TSA the Bad Santa took my luggage away
For the Christmas list
Give up all your gifts
Boy that old st nick
Sure is quite the dick
It's some Christmas cheer
From throughout the year
All the gifts are gone
St. Nick stole the year
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15. |
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Twas the night before christmas
And the jazz club was funky
All the people were dancing
Just like in the Monkees
When up on the rooftop
I heard clickety-clacks
And Then came a blues note
From Saint Nicky’s sax
Then he played
And our hearts were swayed
Peace on earth on Christmas day
Santa coming down the chimney
Wailing on the saxophone
Reindeer dancing oh so nimbly
Saxy Santa, Home Alone
Once upon a christmas Dreamy
Santa Claus was feeling steamy
Wet his reed and started playing
On that golden Christmas Horn
Suddenly there came a cawing
From a bird at window clawing
Santa opened up the door
Quoth the Raven, “sax galore”
Then he played
And the raven swayed
Peace on earth on Christmas day
Santa coming down the chimney
Wailing on the saxophone
Reindeer dancing oh so nimbly
Saxy Santa, Mistletone
Then he played
And we all swayed
Peace on earth on Christmas day
Santa coming down the chimney
Wailing on the saxophone
Reindeer dancing oh so nimbly
Saxy Santa, Sex unknown
[This is not my beautiful sax!
This is not my beautiful sleigh!]
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16. |
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17. |
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Wouldn't it be nice
If we were all nice
To each other
All the year round?
But what if the price
Of being too nice?
Could it too hefty
To pay somehow?
Wouldn't it be nice...
We say it's too hefty
To pay somehow
Defiant festive lights
In the bleak midwinter
Blink and once again it's night
Think: reality is there to tinker
With and maybe rearrange
Just enough and the sheer strangeness
Of the change makes a mess
Of all of our predictions
Shall we retreat behind restrictions?
I say no
They say what do I know?
All I want for Christmas
Is world peace
I'd have thought by now
At least
That much could have come to pass
Is that too much to ask?
Shall I take the human race to task?
It feels a trifle odd
Trying to pray again to God
When it's really up to us
To build sufficient trust
I was a kid, what did I know
Besides what I was told ?
Feeling that warm glow
Having come in from the cold
All that anticipation
Holidays coming soon
Feast in the early afternoon
But all I want right now…
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18. |
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19. |
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The festivus pole has been polished and (shiny)
the festivus dinner prepared (mm meatloaf - my favourite)
we’ve aired many a grievance (yup)
and feats of strength we’ve shared (I lifted something)
Please send me a festivus miracle
wrapped up with a ribbon of blue
and all I want for the holidays
is a pain free day or two with you
We found a suitable bag (a festivus miracle)
and nailed it to the wall
it holds a small alarm clock (tik tok tik tik tok tik)
that ne’er will alarm us at all
Please send me a festivus miracle
wrapped up with a ribbon of blue
and all I want for the holidays
is a pain free day or two with you
It's a festivus miracle
that we're still here-acle
full of cheer-icle
maybe a little satri-icle
Is that a tear-icle in your beer-icle...
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HolyCrapCommunity Black Mountain, North Carolina
Holy Crap Records is a community of underground artists who make music because they can. It is also a weekly podcast on www.hlycrp.com.
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